Return of the Functionally Dead

Have you watched the news lately?

In Florida, a nude man growls, devouring the face of another while the police gaze on in horror. They fire upon the man, yet he does not stop, and still they fire more. Finally, the atrocity ends, leaving the world awash in numb disbelief and a flurry of excited posts about a coming Zombie Apocalypse.

Then, reports of other acts of cannibalism arose. There came talk of Bath Salts, a new cheap drug that offers all the highs a cheap drug can, with the minimal side effect of a craving for human flesh.

America has descended into madness, half denying this horrible reality, the other half stocking shotgun shells and Mapquesting their nearest mall.

Even the United States Government had to step in, to keep the populace calm. But Americans are not stupid. We know that anytime the government says it’s not true, it must be!

Soon, it will be all out Bedlam.

I have it on good authority that on Monday, the Eleventh of June, the most egregious act of man yet will occur. A terrible act that will make of these events the thing of flowers and kittens. When it comes, there will be no turning back.

Come this Monday, Agoraphobe’s Lament returns.

May God have mercy on us all.

…Except for Fiasco. That’s the asshole that started all of this.

He’s gotta die.